What We Think We See

 

When venturing out these evenings, I am mesmerized by lights. Recently, long lines of cars filled the late autumn darkness with what seemed like a thousand glistening spider webs, awesome in their perfection. White, bluish, and red, they appeared as the frozen, steady glow of large individual sparks from a giant Fourth of July sparkler. Honestly, they’re hard to describe in their brilliant uniqueness. And it’s all because of my “new eyes.”

 

I distinctly remember the small room and hallway; it seemed like a whole new world to my left eye. No one told me that my vision had darkened, yellowed, and become blurry THAT much. Possibly they did, but I hadn’t believed them. I thought I could see just fine; could still read, if the light was bright enough; could still see traffic signs, if I got close enough. I’d put off the surgery for a few years, knowing it was just a matter of time before I’d really need it. The eye doctor told me that everyone, if they lived long enough, was likely to develop cataracts. Also, that the procedures had improved over time, there were choices as to what kind of lens to have put in, and that the success rate was high. I didn’t fear the surgery, but life was busy, and I just couldn’t be bothered. When I finally decided to go ahead, the results were more than I ever expected.

 

After the second surgery, my right eye took longer to heal and focus. During the first long week of recovery, the thought occurred to me that I might never see well through that eye again. There was always that slight possibility, of course, but I clung to the hope that all would end well. Fortunately, it did, and I was greatly  surprised by the vision I now have: objects in clear focus both near and far; colors that look pleasingly different from before; overall, a brighter, whiter world. The new artificial lenses in my eyes allow me to see all this, BUT, bright lights shining directly at me (including the myriad stars in the night sky…) appear with these magnificent prisms of light radiating out of them.

 

Life is full of risks, and sometimes we have no option about taking them. Often, however, we can choose and must carefully weigh what’s at stake and if the risk is worth it. This year, during this season, I contemplate what vision really is and wonder: What if Mary had never believed the angel and had run away or Joseph had rejected her as she was, unborn child and all? What if the journey to Bethlehem had never been taken or the innkeeper had found room for two more? What if the shepherds had hidden in fear or the angels had been out on strike? What if the Magi had miscalculated the position of that one bright star or had done exactly as King Herod requested? What if we find we don’t really believe it at all? What is it we think we see and does or can that vision ever change?

 

My faith journey, as perhaps yours, has been long, meandering, and evolving. I’ve taken some wrong turns and come to some dead ends, hit some slick spots and lost control. I’ve had to stop to re-fuel or just take a rest, but I’ve kept going just the same. For I know that I’m not the main driver; the light continues to shine, directing and guiding my trek through this thing called life. Sometimes, it even appears as a giant sparkler, giving me joy in the darkest of nights.

 

This season, I wish the same for you.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the  light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."   ~ John 8: 12

Windfall

Sometimes, when we are diligently searching but looking in all the wrong places, the very thing we seek waits for us in plain sight. Things we don’t even know we need…

Glad to go out on a mission, I sought the variety of greens that I usually gather for holiday decorations. For cedar, I knew right where to go; the revered old tree had some lower branches that needed pruning. It was easy, using the long-handled loppers, to cut a couple of long branches off.

Once those were down, I pruned off the smaller branches and made a stack on the lawn to be retrieved later.

The Douglas firs were more difficult, as most of the lower branches were gone. Strolling the edge of the pasture, I searched for any possibility when something caught my eye.

 

Scattered about were many small branches blown down by a recent storm. I gathered them up and stacked them into another pile.

 

There is a spot where western white pine cones accumulate. It’s a bit of a mystery as there are none of these trees nearby that I can see, and now there were more there than usual and some unmistakable long-needled branches.

 

I made another pile. When I was finished, I had more than enough fresh greens to do what I wanted and to share with friends and neighbors.

After fifty years of marriage, my husband and I have reached a new plateau, of sorts, in our relationship. Gone are the rounds of endless discussions trying vainly to change a mind, the hurt feelings, the frustrations of not seeing eye-to-eye on an issue. We have always agreed on most of the important things, but have our differences, as everyone does. Perhaps the struggle to turn a partner into someone other than who they really are is a hallmark of youth, but it is one we’ve surrendered to time. We now truly value each other - “warts and all” – and with that acceptance comes a tremendous peace.

 

A few years ago, through a series of volunteer projects, I gradually became acquainted with a couple of remarkable women. One is a chatterbox - innately honest and a warm, caring person with a heart as big as all outdoors and a fierce enthusiasm to throw herself wholeheartedly into any endeavor she is a part of.  The other appears quiet and reserved and can size up a situation quickly, has an eye for detail, and a determined stubbornness when it comes to preserving the environment and all creatures within it.

One is a non-practicing Catholic; the other has probing questions on all things involving faith. We get together often, discuss anything, and respect each other’s opinions. Beyond a doubt, I have become better informed, stronger in my convictions, and more willing to act for causes I believe in because of their willingness to question and share. Ours has become a treasured friendship.

We had been without a dog for fifteen years when a series of circumstances led to our adopting our little rescue terrier, Scruffy. We wanted to find a dog locally, but we found him on the internet. We wanted to travel a short distance, yet we drove to another state to see him. We wanted an uncomplicated process - we visited him at an incarceration facility for young men, but still could not bring him home because the rescue group needed to visit and approve our home. Lord knows he has his issues, unique behaviors, and odd little personality quirks, but he has added a certain energy, challenge, and spirit to our aging lives. He makes us LAUGH harder than we have in years, gets us out of the house daily, and gives us a reason to look forward to every day. And we wonder – just who saved whom?

All of this is windfall - unexpected, unearned, a sudden gain or advantage. In one form or another it comes to all of us, but we need to open our eyes to see and recognize it. And when you do, acknowledge, accept, and value it – trust where it comes from and that there will be more to come.

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.         Ephesians 3:20-21

SCARY - or just Scared

“I’m SCARY!” the small voice suddenly boomed out menacingly, while the arms straightened and stuck out and there began a stiff-legged strut around the room. Frankenstein had come alive! It was only a costume, of course, and not a very good one at that. It was just a cheap print of the infamous monster’s face on a sort of rectangular pinafore of vinyl with a matching plastic mask. But he had chosen it himself and now wore it proudly over a bright yellow raincoat and dark red jeans. I’ve often wondered if he thought he really was that scary or was just trying to convince himself of the fact…

We had only lived here six months when we got the OK to pick up this four-year-old child in Everett and bring him home as our foster child. It was not really what we wanted; we wanted to adopt, not foster, a child. But as they say, beggars can’t be choosy and we’d waited long enough - we’d been married fourteen years and time was flying by. We’d been assured that they were “almost positive” this little boy would become free for adoption within a year and we decided to take the chance. It proved to be so.

I look back at that time and cringe, for none of us really knew what lay ahead. We drove to Everett once to spend a couple of hours with this boy before picking him up the next week. There was no time to get acquainted; very little time to prepare. We’d had a bedroom ready with the basics - bunk beds, chest of drawers, rocking chair – because we’d hoped to adopt while living in Idaho. When that did not happen before we found out we’d be moving to Washington, we stopped planning. Disappointment can do that to a person. We went through the motions of applying to adopt here, but had no idea things would happen as fast as they did. By the middle of October, we had a child and wondered if we knew what in the heck we were doing. All new parents must feel this way to some degree, but this was a preschooler with “issues” and we had no instruction manual. We were new in the community, so knew few people and had no family nearby. My husband was commuting to Seattle every day and still traveling some with his work, so I was alone much of the time. To say I was apprehensive is an understatement…

Our son arrived with one small box of clothes and a small paper bag of toys from the child center – he had none of his own and didn’t seem particularly attached to these. We drove to Penney’s in downtown Bremerton (There was no mall in Silverdale yet.) to buy him a few clothes that fit better and just sort of winged it the rest of the way. As Halloween approached, he made it known that he wanted a costume and to go Trick-or-Treating. I took him around to a few houses where we knew the people for his treats. He acted so brave, but I could tell that underneath the bravado was a scared little boy – new home, new parents, new experiences. But he did enjoy himself and managed to eat his entire small bag of candy the next day. We all had much to learn yet!

How often we put on a brave face and go forward as if nothing is bothering us, afraid to show our perceived weaknesses to others. How often we won’t face our fears and misgivings. How often we refuse help and seal our hearts against risking more. How much hurt and grief we would avoid if we would just let it all go…

My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.  Psalm 38: 10

 For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. 

Psalm 109:22

Navigating the Season

"And there is quite a different sort of conversation around a fire than there is in the shadow of a beech tree.... Four dry logs have in them all the circumstance necessary to a conversation of four or five hours, with chestnuts on the plate and a jug of wine between the legs. Yes, let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius." ~Pietro Aretino, translated from Italian

 

The days are definitely shorter now, with darkness creeping in around 4 P.M. these days where we live. We've had unusually bright, clear weather with much less rainfall - November was about nine inches below normal, I'm told. Dryness is relative, however, and so we have had some rain.

A cold air mass has pushed in, bringing temperatures in the 20s and 30s and leaving those perpetual puddles covered in ice. Hearing of the heavy snow storms expected across the country, I'm reminded of the years we spent in places where winter snows were the norm. I enjoyed those places and climes, but today I am content to be where I am.

Most of our flower and vegetable plots are looking rather ragged now, but the many conifers and other evergreen species keep the green going. Lingonberries, winterberries, and holly provide bright spots of red among the remaining leaves and stark, bare, branches. Already, many native shrubs and trees are putting forth small buds that will gradually grow, swell, and burst open when conditions are favorable. No matter how dark, cold, and wet winter is, there is always new life just waiting below the surface for its time to reappear. That is one of the things that I love about winter - the perpetual process of regeneration and promise of spring.

All seasons serve a purpose and I believe that winter is the time for rest and renewal. It is a time for slowing down, changing gears, and looking inward. In the past, when more of us were closer to the growing, harvesting, and marketing of food and goods and much more connected to the earth, this was easier to do. During the growing season we were kept busy and active; during the non-growing season we had time to regroup, reflect, and recreate. A part of us still wants this - colder, darker weather makes us seek warmth, light, and food that comforts us and draws us together.

Innately, I believe that most of us still seek this, but the plethora of technology nowadays seems to consume many of us and draw us into its spell. It seems to offer much of the light, warmth, and "food" that we crave and can connect us to others in ways we never imagined before. But like all things, moderation is important and the latest gadgets can, and often do, also cut us off from others in important ways. In our constant quest to be more "connected", do we not often invest much time and energy mentally removed from those who should matter? It is something that I think is worth thinking about because - I promise you - no machine is going to miss you when you're eventually gone...

The busy, hectic holiday season is once more upon us and seems to start earlier and earlier each year. Bottom line: BUY! Yes, there is some mention of gratitude and giving, but more and more those seem to take second place behind the buying. In our consumer society, we all seem to be on an ever-speeding treadmill to always get that one more thing that will make us, or those close to us, happy. But really, no amount of spending and buying will do that because it has to come from within. Yes, many of us know this and give lip service to the fact, but it's just too easy to get swept away with all the hype. Those who market to the rest of us are very good at it.

Once again, we struggle to make sense of it all. That is why I still believe that in this dark, cold season it does us good to look inside ourselves to see what we can discover. Why are we here and just what should we be doing in this place and time? What do we truly want to do and how can we do that given our circumstances? Heady stuff for sure. And, is it even worth thinking about or should we maybe just check that smart phone one more time?

"There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you.... In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself."
~Ruth Stout

Below are some ideas I previously offered for how we have zeroed in on what's important for us during the holidays - click on the titles:

Holidays 1. Prepare Yourself

 

 

Holidays 2. Figure It Out

 

 

Holidays 3. Forge Ahead

 

 

Holidays 4. Celebrate!

 

 

Holidays 5. Afterthoughts

Holidays: 5. Afterthoughts

Now that our biggest holiday season is over and gone, the associated decorations, cards, and wrappings tucked away for another year, in our part of the world cloudy, wet, winter continues and many feel inertia and hibernation tendencies settling in...

January Afterthoughts

The turkey made the soup pot,
We froze what wasn't downed.
Why, looky here, a brand new year,
And this morning, frozen ground.

The days are inching forward,
Each holds a tad more light.
If you're like me, can't wait to see
When 4 PM doesn't seem like night.

I try to live in the present,
And make the most of today,
But I cannot lie, the 4th of July
Is only 6 months away!

 

My mind definitely wanders forward towards longer days, warming temperatures, and spending more time outdoors, but I try to focus first on some holiday afterthoughts in the hopes of gleaning meaningful tidbits to keep in mind for the future:

Connections: We are pleased with the connections that we've managed to maintain with our far-flung family members. Each year, we consider what works - and what doesn't - to help us remain "close". We see them infrequently, so we treasure time spent with our grandkids. Because they do not have a computer (Not everyone does, you know...) we allow for a bit of time on ours. But we've made clear that our time spent together is just that - spent TOGETHER - and always plan some activities to do with them. They help to trim our tree and bake cookies. This year, our grandson remarked that he'd like to make some of the home-made ornaments that we have and so that is on the list of things to do next year. We always take pictures when they are here and several years ago I gave them each a small photo album. After each gathering, I send them each a thank-you or other appropriate card, along with some of the photos for them to add to their albums. Our hope is that they can always look back on all the good times we've shared.

Tree: I've been noting what some others do when having a full-sized, live Christmas tree no longer works for them. My elderly in-laws used to spend the winter "down south" and carried a small, ceramic tree with them. It was painted with decorations and wired with tiny lights, so filled that niche for them. We had a friend who lived alone with a less-than-well-trained (!) dog and wanted her tree out of reach. At her direction, my husband managed to attach her artificial tree up on her wall, bending all of the branches forward. The dog was probably frustrated, but our friend was well-pleased. Another friend has developed allergies, so this year bought a living tree, set it on their front porch outside a large window, and trimmed it with colored lights. A Christmas tree - like everything else - is what you make it.

Gifts: I finally did complete the rag quilt/bedspread for our granddaughter well after Christmas, along with a matching decorative pillow.

Besides the other gifts we gave her on Christmas Day, we included a very small, beautifully wrapped box with the following poem attached:

Love Gift

 

We took an ordinary box

As empty as can be.

We filled it with a special gift

And wrapped it carefully.

 

But please don't ever open it.

Just leave the ribbon tied,

And hold it tightly near your heart

Because our love's inside!

 

I cannot take credit for this poem as I found it in a newspaper years ago, with no author name attached. One year our son received this, and we repeat the gesture at various times with various special people. It's always well-received, so feel free to use this idea with those near and dear to you.

 

I was still on a sewing roll, so also added a decorative pillow for our grandson to match his rag quilt. Whew - glad to be done with those!!
 

We try to give gifts tailored to the recipient. This is not always easy and sometimes gift cards are the best bet. We have great fun wrapping these! Fast food is a rare treat for the grandkids, so we always include a McDonald's gift card for each of them. To our recently-widowed brother-in-law - a basket of fruit and chocolate delivered the week before Christmas, along with a heartfelt note. It was last year, just before Christmas, that he lost his dear wife of 60 years. To a niece who recently moved and down-sized due to the current financial climate - a small collection of food items for creating a special breakfast for herself and a friend. Phone calls have always helped to sustain these connections, and so they do today because even with e-mail, social media, etc. nothing beats the sound of a familiar, caring voice.

One more thought to consider - the almost always perfect gift that costs nothing but a bit of your time, takes nothing but a bit of your heart. How about a heartfelt note? Not a text message, e-mail or voice-mail, but the genuine thing, hand-written by you? Too often we seem to equate good gifts with big dollar signs, when most parents and grandparents really want no material things from their kids or grandkids. What they would deeply appreciate and cherish is a simple note of appreciation and thanks.

THE day: I have come to believe that the celebration is, in most cases anyway, more important than a precise date. I shared before how the threat of snow might have changed our plans for Christmas Day, but we lucked out. One of my dear friends has three grown kids, with spouses and families, who live in our area. It has proven impossible for them to share Christmas all together at one time, although they all want to do that. Their solution? Gather together on a 3 day weekend at a large rented home at a nearby State Park sometime in January. They each have their own celebration on "THE day" and then gather as an extended family later. Another older friend, who happens to be a nurse and a widow, willingly spends Christmas Day working at a local nursing home, feeding those in the dementia unit. She says she loves spending this day that way. The following day she flies to another state to spend several weeks with her daughter and family - and yes, they celebrate again after she arrives! Someone else spent this year with her mother at the assisted-living facility she recently moved into. She found this experience very low-key, relaxing and meaningful. To all of this I say - whatever works!

 

Odd and Ends: We have been slowly downsizing, so as I put things away I set aside things not used or no longer wanted to be donated to thrift stores or given away to family or friends who might want them. Things that need fixing or mended are thrown, fixed, or put together in a box and clearly marked to be dealt with next year before the holiday. There is a catalogue company that I like which offers great bargains after holidays, so I've ordered a supply of baked goods boxes, gift card enclosures, and small stocking-stuffers to be added to the box I have for those "early" things needed for next year. While I was at it, I ordered a bunch of Get Well cards - my Current supply has been depleted by the many illnesses, surgeries, and other situations many of the folks we know have been going through this winter. At one time or another, we all have to deal with some of these things, so every ray of sun we can offer is a real boost. Life goes on...

Waste NOT: We are improving at this, and this year more of our gifts were packaged in re-purposed bags, boxes, papers and ribbons than ever. I can't say that we never use new wrapping materials, but it's becoming less and less. I can say, however, that the only things thrown were the un-recyclable plastics (drat those!!) - all other waste was recycled or repurposed. Baby steps forward, but better than none at all...

With the holidays behind us - and assessed - a shiny new year stretches before us. I savor this quiet time, taking my cue from those which hibernate; it is a time to rest up, reflect, regroup, and plan how to best reach out to the future. Because I can, I sometimes sleep in; I spend time reading and enjoying coffee with friends; I continue with a multitude of volunteer activities, carefully choosing the what, where, and when of those. I exercise my body and mind; I enjoy dinner nights out and movie nights in with my husband. We are looking ahead to spring and summer, planning and marking our calendar for those special times and events we want to take part in...

... I cannot lie, the 4th of July
Is only 6 months away!

For more ideas on
making holidays meaningful
click below:

Holidays: 1. Prepare Yourself
Holidays: 2. Figure It Out
Holidays: 3. Forge Ahead
Holidays: 4. Celebrate!